I smiled sweetly at the friend in front of me, a woman I thought to be of wild courage and beauty. It was all I could do because I didn’t quite know what to say at the time.
“Kung hindi niya ako gusto, bakit ginawa pa niya lahat ng yun? He took me out on dates. He drove me home. He made an effort to befriend those close to me.
And then he said na wala lang lahat ng yun.”
I took a deep breath because there was no doubt in my mind that for at least a moment in time, the guy took an interest in her. He bought her food. He told her he missed her after a handful of days of not talking to her. Unless he was a complete jerk, that had to mean something.
But does it matter if it meant something when he couldn’t see it through?
It was a pain I was only semi-familiar with and didn’t really know how to navigate. I can shower my friend with compliments on how amazing she was and how the man must have been blind not to want her, but I don’t.
Because what do these words matter when the situation in front of you subtly reinforces the idea that something must be wrong with you – that there must be something in you not worth wanting, not worth choosing, not worth fighting for?
What do you do when the person you want to choose doesn’t choose you?
Reality hits you in the face. It turns out that life is not all butterflies and not all love stories are fairytales. It turns out that numerous men can chase after you and the lone man you want to notice you walks the other way.
And there’s no balm to soothe that other than to reconcile yourself with the fact that if he really wanted you, he would have done something to keep you.
Because it’s just not enough that he likes you. He has to love you. He has to choose you. The fact that he didn’t says enough.
I’m sorry, I know it hurts, but accepting it as it is will also allow you to heal. Romanticizing him and placing him on a pedestal will not help you. Sure, he’s great and all, but would you really want someone who is not sure of you?
Stop allowing yourself to remain on the hook. Stop holding out for him, just in case. His inaction is already a form of action. He can’t give you commitment. He can’t give you closure. He wanted to enjoy the perks of a relationship, but the moment commitment was required, he was out the door. Close it.
I know that it’s easier said than done, but it’s something you have to decide to do because he has already made his decision too.
The agony of unrequited or unfulfilled love usually feels personal because of the shame and rejection that comes with it, but please do know that it’s not because you’re not worth it. You’re just worth more than what he is able to give. You’re a catch, but maybe you’re just not his to catch.
And trust that in the wake of broken expectations and shattered pieces of your heart lies this simple truth: the Lord is close to the broken-hearted. There is no one better acquainted with rejection than He; no one more familiar with waiting seemingly in vain.
Your heart may beat broken, but it beats all the same. His breath still flows through your lungs, His blood still pumps through your veins.
And when you are torn up in pain over another, He reaches out to hold you together.
He whispers it, soft yet sure,
“I have chosen you and I will never stop choosing you.
Your longing to talk to this other man cannot be compared to how I long to talk to you.
Your thoughts may be consumed with regrets and memories, but I remain mindful of you.
I know what it’s like to love and still not be chosen.
I know what it’s like to be temporarily wanted and then forgotten.
I’m familiar with your pain. I will get you through this.”
Somewhere down the line, someone will come into your life and he will be a reflection of God’s love to you. When that time comes, you will be grateful that this particular man didn’t choose you because he paved the way for the one who will.
Until then, you can run into the arms of the One who already did.