There Is More to Singlehood Than Being Single

In other words, if you are single, there is a higher calling upon your life in that season than just figuring out how to get married.

Shocking, I know. *note sarcasm*

But let’s be real here. We all know it in theory. In actual life, it can get a little blurry.

Now I do agree with the concept of active preparation. Yes, prepare for marriage even when you’re not married. Know the ins and outs of it before you even get there. Seek knowledge on how to be good spouse. That is wisdom.

On the other hand, I also think that God is interested in who we are becoming as an entire person and not just the part of us that becomes a husband or a wife. Singlehood is not just a season you get past to get there. It is is a wonderful time to be committed to the process of which God conforms our character to Christ.

And beloved, we have to be clear here. God is molding you not just because He wants you to be a good partner but also because He wants you to be a good child, friend, officemate, leader. He’s not just preparing you for marriage life; He’s preparing you for life in all of its entirety.

Please know that you cannot hold against God the fact that you sought first His kingdom and righteousness so “WHERE IS THE SPOUSE THAT WILL BE ADDED TO ME.” It doesn’t work that way. Becoming some spiritual giant is not license for God to suddenly give you a partner. Reaching a certain standard of spiritual maturity is not a pre-requisite to the “one” suddenly coming along. A husband or a wife is a gift from God, given according to His perfect wisdom.

Decide to be the person God wants you to be, married or otherwise, “mature and complete, lacking nothing" (James 1:4).

“Well I’m not called to singleness.”

But sweetheart, right now you are. And whether or not you will be next month or next year isn’t of the issue. It’s the fact that since God has not yet a brought a special someone in your life by now, then it means He has a plan for you as a single person, today. And He will be the One to give you the grace to squeeze everything that you can out of this season, to His glory.

Now please, I’m not saying you’re not allowed to desire to get married. God created marriage! It is His idea and it’s beautiful! Practically prepare, I’m sure your future family will thank you for it! But also do not overlook this opportunity to do so, so much more.

Singlehood is an opportunity to be single-minded about Christ and His mission.

Paul even wrote to the Corinthian church of how being unmarried is a great chance to have no distractions when it comes to serving Him. Our single years give us the ability to pour our resources, time, energy, and focus on the great commission more than ever.

So I encourage you, take advantage of it. I know, I know. You’re already living your single life “to the full” by travelling and meeting new people and exploring new things. And that is wonderful!

But wouldn’t it be so much more amazing not just to see His beauty in every opportunity you can grasp, but to reflect His glory in every opportunity as well? Prayerfully consider how you can not just see the wonders of the world but how you can also be His hands and feet to a lost and dying world. What does it look like to take up your cross and follow Him in this season? You can ask God to shift your passions and focus from the sacred calling of marriage to His sacred calling for your life right now. And you can trust that the steps you take towards this particular calling now will take you closer to where He would want you to be in the future – whether that looks like you with a ring on your finger or not.

You may be asked to pray for your family and community in greater measure. You may be called to pursue further education and gain more skills in preparation for what He has up next for you. You may find your heart wanting to minister to children or the elderly or the sick. You may see yourself on a plane to do a mission trip to Africa or you may stay right where you are, evangelizing to the people around you.

Practice sacrificial love to your family. Share life with your neighbor. Volunteer at your local church. The particulars don’t make it more or less significant; your heart fully surrendered to Him is what matters. As long as your actions are an outflow of your love for Christ, they will make a difference.

And we can overflow because right now, we have already been made whole. We are already complete in Christ. Not when we get married, not when we have children, but right now.

Loneliness is real and desire of companionship is true, but no human relationship, no matter how God-orchestrated, can substitute the joy of being with Christ. With every burst of yearning is a choice to either get lost in the feeling or to turn to God and draw closer to Him. Biological clocks may be ticking, but remember that it’s the Author of time you’re serving. It’s all in good hands.

Be faithful with where you are now, and then He will entrust you with more.

Marry Someone Out of Your League

“Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage.”
-Hebrews 13:4

I recently came across an article about the Ashley Madison scandal, and I saw comments by men and women who were sharing how you should never completely trust your spouse because it doesn’t take much for them to go astray. Wives were stating how you shouldn’t submit to your husbands because their take on things cannot be taken seriously, husbands were talking about how they were no longer satisfied by their wives sexually. I was already appalled by the existence of such a site, and as I pondered upon it, I grew to hurt for these couples.

See, here’s the thing that baffles me: why in the world do people marry someone whose character they cannot trust; whose opinion they cannot respect? Is it because of the overwhelming butterflies they felt when they first met but have obviously flown away in time? Is it because the other party was good-looking and they were given a sense of feeling wanted? Is it because their personalities clicked and they had fun together? 

Well I’m sorry, but that’s a very poor criteria for choosing someone to marry.

You can find someone who knows all the right words to say and the right clothes to wear, but that doesn’t mean they’re the right person for you. It’s actually very easy to find someone to have fun and feel giddy with, but it’s very rare to find someone you can build a life and home with.

So here’s a nugget of thought from someone who has never been married, has seen her parents faithfully in love for the last 25 years, and plans to get married and be as happy as they are 25 years from now: marry someone out of your league.

I don’t mean out of your league in a way that they’re more good-looking or richer than you; I mean out of your league in a way that they just appear so beautiful to you, inside and out, that having them would be too much of a privilege.

Marry someone whose flaws are so visible to you, and yet they seem still too good to be true simply because they are constantly growing and flourishing where God has placed them. Look into the eyes of a person who seems to never lose sparkle, whose face always reflects the glory of God. Fight for your destiny with a warrior who challenges you to not settle for less than what God has planned for you, with a soldier who will correct you when you are mistaken but has your back no matter what. Learn together with a humble heart who allows rebuke and is eager to become more Christlike. Grow old with a lover who has time for you and will walk with you not only when your knees are rusty, but also as you together turn weaknesses into strengths. Enjoy life with an adventurer who lavishes in the love of God and gives back to the world by selflessly sharing this beauty. Hold hands with a child of faith who inspires you and joyfully pulls you up, not a pessimist who just pulls your life down. Fit together with a whole being who complements you and will communicate with you, not someone who looks to you to fill in the missing pieces. Embrace a beautiful soul who is committed to only you through the highs and lows, and still points back to God as your source of security. Partner with an intercessor who understands everything God is and explores more of Him and His people each and every day. Build a family with a leader whose character is founded, someone you can look up to and trust to raise your children in an upright manner. Leave a legacy with a visionary driven by God and desires to make an impact in this generation and the generations to come, who understands that the marriage you live is a big part of the inheritance you will leave.

At this point, some people may call me idealistic, but trust me when I say I’m being realistic. Statistically speaking, 50% of marriages end up in divorce, not counting the ones that haven’t gone through the legal process but are emotionally separated already. There are far too many broken marriages in this world, and so this is a decision we need to be wise about. Don’t be hasty just because you are feeling lonely or because there are bursts of emotion. Take time to pray about it, and allow God to grow and mold you through it.

You get to choose who you marry, so always remember that it is far better to be single than be married to the wrong person. It’s dangerous to commit just because you see the potential of a person without any actual guarantee that the person will change, so learn to wait. Always remember: good doesn’t mean godly, and your love won’t make a person godly. Also, please know that there is a huge difference between someone who is active in the ministry and someone who has a heart like Christ. Don’t fall in love with someone just because you see them on stage, doing amazing guitar riffs, only to find out that their character isn’t as solid as their drum rolls. 

And if you’re a married person reading this, thinking you’re already too far in to take back decisions, please remember that you get to choose how you act within your marriage.

But as much as I have listed down wonderful attributes here, there is this bottom line: we are all works in progress. You are a work in progress, just like the person you are going to marry. So likewise, marry someone who thinks you’re out of their league. Marry someone with these qualities because you allowed God to mold you into having these qualities also. Marry someone amazing who knows just how amazing you are too.

Marry someone who loves God more than they will ever love you.

For even after you wed, you will still be under construction. In every relationship, there will be conflicts. And there will be times when your spouse will slip up. But it’s okay, because you will slip up too. It’s okay because you both understand that true love isn’t driven by emotion, it is mirroring Christ’s selfless, forgiving, unconditional love. It’s okay because you both have solid relationships with God so He will be the One to point you back and guide you through the relationship.

Looking back at the first ever couple, Adam and Eve, they lived in peace and tranquility as they were totally submitted to God and to each other. But as they allowed themselves to give in to temptation, they lost their harmony. They were accusing each other, pointing fingers, acting selfish – which is very much a normal thing between wedded couples these days. This kind of self-centered, privileged mindset is what causes so much separation, so let’s go back to that original design, when there was nothing but serving God, loving each other, and working His will together. 

“And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.”
‭‭-Ecclesiastes‬ ‭4:12‬ ‭

Let it be that as you fall deeper in love with God together, you fall deeper in love with each other. For giving love (the 1 Corinthians 13 kind), not getting sex, is the core of what marriage is about.